I’ve tried to sit down and write this post a few different times and each time I would close out the tab and move to another task. Not because I’m not excited to share our wonderful news, but because announcing it means this post could very much be triggering for someone else. I’d like to take a moment and acknowledge that the content in this post may be too much for some. If you’re struggling with loss, infertility or in a season of waiting, this may be triggering. And while I invite you to stay, I totally understand if you need to close out of this and come back when we’re chatting business, marketing and being a virtual assistant.
Our Fertility Journey
I’ve spoken about our journey of growing our family pretty openly, but in case you’re just stumbling across this, I thought I would take a moment to give you a little backstory. Over the course of three years, Josh (my husband) and I walked through one of the toughest seasons of loss. We went through five miscarriages before moving onto IVF (in vetro fertilization). After a number of tests and doctors visits we went through our first round of IVF and were blessed with our miracle baby, Beckam. He is two and a half as I’m writing this post and while we thank God everyday for allowing us to be his parents, the journey that we walked through to get here doesn’t disappear. I’m thankful in so many ways for that hard season, but having Beckam didn’t take away the losses. It simply taught us to experience joy simultaneously.
My Thoughts On Expanding Our Family
After having Beckam I didn’t give much thought to having a second child. I was filled with such bliss that I would think to myself, if I never was able to have another child, it’s okay. I think that may have been the first time I’ve truly felt totally and completely content. But as time went on we began to wonder and dream. How fun would it be to have another little one running around? It was then that we seemed to be right back to ground zero at the beginning of our fertility journey again. Were we ready to go through all that again, and willingly? Because, truthfully, I was so naive when we decided to start our family initially that it never even crossed my mind that my journey could ever be a reality. Literally, I never once thought, what if I have a miscarriage?
There were so many decisions to make. Do we do IVF again? Do we try naturally? What if we miscarry? We never truly received the answers that we were searching for during our season of loss. So part of me wanted more tests, more answers, while the other part of me would whisper, just trust in the plan laid out for you. And while I continued to go to doctors appointments and prepare my body the best ways I knew how, we still hadn’t made a firm decision what we were going to do.
It was then that God blessed us with yet another miracle.
How We Found Out
You know that saying, “moms always know best”, or something to that affect? Well, turns out that is very much true in this case. I had plans to meet my mom to get our nails done on a Saturday morning. I usually have no issues waking up early and getting out the door on time, but this morning was a different story. And I was so tired and felt like I might get sick to my stomach. We had eaten out the night before and I thought I might have consumed bad food or something along those lines. I remember stopping to get coffee and breakfast for us and even the smell of coffee was making me nauseous. I met my mom and told her I wasn’t feeling great, and her first question was, “do you think you could be pregnant?” Um no, definitely not mom. And here’s why.
Earlier that week I was at the doctor and they were prescribing me a new medication. They had me take a pregnancy test just to be sure I wasn’t pregnant in order to see which type of medication to prescribe. And although the test came back negative (which I was fully expecting) the doctor prescribed me the pregnancy safe version anyway. So in my head I was like no way I’m pregnant, I just took a test a few days ago.
Later that night I went to pour myself a glass of wine and take a warm bath. But for some reason there was a little voice in my head that told me, maybe you should take a test, just to be safe.
So there I was digging through my bathroom trying to see if I still had a pregnancy test from three years ago when I had Beckam. I found one of those cheap strip tests you can buy off Amazon (which I highly recommend by the way). I did the test and immediately one line popped up. Oh good, that means I get to drink the wine. So I go downstairs, grab my glass, come back up to the bathroom and when I went to throw the test away, there it was, the second line. Yep, pregnant.
Shocked would be an understatement and then of course the fear set in. I told Josh that night when he got back home and we agreed we would take it one day at a time. We didn’t chat about it much. Truthfully, we were both waiting for the day I would miscarry. It sounds so horrible to type out, but that was our normal. Weeks passed until finally it was time to have that first ultra sound. Due to Covid restrictions, Josh couldn’t come with me to the appointment. So there I was, holding back tears wishing that my mask also covered my eyes, as I waited for my ultra sound.
It was a full circle moment.
The ultrasound tech that had been with us through each loss happened to be there that day too. I laid there in the dark room, both of us holding our breath, and she finally said the words, “your baby is completely and totally healthy.” I was in shock. I can’t tell you anything that happened after that because it’s all a blur.
But here I am, writing this post at almost the half way mark, reveling in each little baby kick. And while I feel undeserving of such a gift, I could not be more excited!
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